Douche-Dodging: Early Detection is the Best Prevention

You’ve undoubtedly heard of the classic 80’s comedy Ghostbusters where Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd are called upon to save the Big Apple from pesky ghost and spirits terrorizing the city and sliming victims with their ectoplasmic goo? While watching this film recently, I couldn’t help but draw a parallel to a more modern day nuisance equally as terrifying and repugnant known as the douche bag. Like their freakish counterparts, these douche bags spew their own douchey brand of slime with their overuse of Axe cologne and bad one-liners. They provide no real tangible positive societal contributions. Rather, their abhorrent behavior depletes other’s energy, time and sanity and sends them reeling with nausea and disgust.

 

Nothing puts sand in my vagina faster than the onslaught of a douche, and I can’t tell you how many times a day I’m forced to encounter them in multiples - whether it’s the fuck stick listening to Quiet Riot driving the S. Rosen’s Bread truck who’s bound and determined to run me off the road on my way to work every morning, or the ass hat with the baby sea turtle tattoo air drumming with his head on the bike next to me at the gym. Wouldn’t it be great if we could simply pick up the phone and call the Douchebusters to come and exterminate these vermin? Well, until that happens, I’ve devised a way to help you easily and successfully spot a douche bag so that you can take the necessary precautions to avoid them and navigate your way to a douche-free zone.

Below I’ve identified eight species of douche bags for your edification and inclusion into your douche repertoire, because knowledge is power:

1. Flagrant Douche – This is the easiest to recognize and least threatening of all the douche bags. He typically has gelled hair, wears muscle shirts, drives a sports car with an obnoxiously loud engine, laughs at his own jokes, has a popped collar, wears sunglasses indoors, listens to techno music and eats protein bars not necessarily all the same time, but also not mutually exclusive of one another.
2. Dumb-Ass Douche – Often also lovingly referred to as Doofy Douche, he has absolutely no self-awareness or ability to pick up on social cues. However, he firmly believes he is the smartest and most important person on the planet. A dumb-ass douche is uncultured, unrefined, eats with his mouth open and makes fun of those who are smaller, less fortunate, or of a different sex or race than him to compensate for his own inadequacies. This is the guy that copied off you in high school because he thought the word “errands” was spelled “aarons”.
3. Deadbeat Douche – If you have a shorty but you don’t show love you are not only a scrub, you are a douche! This guy probably also lives at home in his mother’s basement because he doesn’t have a job and he can’t afford rent. He also probably doesn’t have a car or a driver’s license because of his amassing DUIs. He’s the type of guy that would ask a girl out to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays and then tell her to pay when the bill arrives.
4. Derelict Douche – A hybrid of the dumb-ass and deadbeat douche, the distinguishing trait of the derelict douche is that he is a belligerent drunk who also usually operates on some other form of controlled substance because he can’t cope with the sad reality that he is a douche, thereby increasing his douche factor. Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend, Scott Disick, is a shining example of a derelict douche. You can often spot a derelict douche passed out on a park bench or getting jumped on the subway.
5. Juiced Douche – Similar to the aforementioned ass hat, the juiced douche is the meathead at the gym who tries to intimidate you with his grunting and moaning as he attempts to bench or squat twice the weight of which he is capable. He’s also the guy that stares shamelessly at you while you’re running on the treadmill or doing your butt-biter exercises to try to catch a glimpse of your goodies when it’s his speed bags that are conveniently dangling out of his yoga shorts accosting all those passing by. He also likes to invade your personal space by breathing down your neck at the machines you are using to ask if he can “work in” between your sets when the only thing he wants to work into are your pants.  
6. Cyber Douche – Rather than interacting with people face-to-face like a normal human being, this douche prefers to sit in his room for hours on end playing World of Warcraft or chatting online with his “model” girlfriend who is really a 500 lb. Scandinavian named Helga. He has not one, but a network of computers so that he and his roommates don’t ever have to actually talk to each other when they can just log on and IM, and he spends most of his time whacking it to Internet porn or inventing new Trojans and back door viruses to infect other’s computers and steal their personal information or corrupt their operating systems. His proclivity toward antisocial behavior definitely favorably positions him as a future serial killer.
7. Emo Douche – Skinny jeans + shaggy hair + wearing a knit hat in the summer = douche!
8. Down-Low Douche – The most rancorous and predatory of all douche bags is the DLD. Of all the douches in doucheland, there is nothing worse than a douche that thinks he’s a nice guy. This douche in disguise will attempt to Jedi mind trick you with lines like “you are too good for me” or “I think more of you than that” because he’s too cowardly to admit that he’s a stupid asshole that doesn’t deserve the pleasure of your company in the first place. Time to bust out your douche goggles and get to the nearest toilet or bidet because you’ve just been hit with a big, giant bag of vinegar-scented Massengill douche spra

There are also many various sub-cultures of douche bags - all of which fall under the eight hierarchies of douche bags listed above. Take, for example, the hillbilly douche (douchabily) driving around town in his pick-up displaying his truck nuts and naked chic mud flaps, or the papi douche who thinks he’s slick making dirty comments to you in Spanish. There’s also the Euro douche strutting around the beach in his Speedo who neglected to wear deodorant. The list goes on an on.

 All in all, it’s a douchey-douche world, and we’re just living in it. Most days, I feel like I’m on Old McDonald’s farm of douches – here a douche, there a douche, everywhere a douche, douche. Believe me, if I could vaporize them with my mind, I would. But rather than sit around waiting for the day researchers isolate and eradicate the douche gene, empower yourself and others by learning to deflect them by tuning in with your inner douche dial.